The Silent Relationship Killer: Retroactive Jealousy OCD

Have you ever had a feeling of jealousy that just wouldn't go away, even though you knew deep down it was irrational? Maybe you got upset over something your partner did before you even knew them, or you kept obsessing over your partner's past relationships. This could be a sign of Retroactive Jealousy OCD.

You see, it's natural for us to think about our partner's past experiences. Who they were, were they happy, do they like Me as much as they liked them. These thoughts typically, come and go.

However, if it sticks, causes anxiety, and hours of thinking. It could be a type of obsessive-compulsive disorder where a person becomes fixated on their partner's past, especially their romantic or sexual experiences. This can lead to feelings of jealousy, anxiety, and even depression. It's like your brain is stuck on a loop, replaying all the things you don't want to think about.

It's important to remember that this is a mental health condition, not a personal failing. It's not your fault that your brain is stuck on these thoughts, and it's not a reflection of your relationship. Be kind do yourself and your partner.

The most common types of obsessions with this are:
- Imagining their partner with previous partners and feeling intense jealousy and insecurity about it.

- Feeling upset or angry about their partner's past sexual experiences.

- Obsessively checking their partner's social media or other online activity to try and find information about their past.

- Constantly asking their partner for reassurance or details about their past relationships.

- Feeling guilty or ashamed about their own past experiences, even if they happened before they met their current partner.

- Comparing themselves to their partner's previous partners and feeling inferior or inadequate.

- Feeling like their partner's past relationships somehow diminish the love or connection they share now.

- Becoming fixated on specific details about their partner's past, such as their number of sexual partners or specific experiences they had.

I'm not here to just talk about the symptoms. I want to get to the treatment. I find that exposure and response prevention works best. What we do is expose to the thought, stop the checking, and respond differently about it. Rumination tends to be the biggest compulsion here. Here's how I combat it.

An individual may intentionally bring to mind the intrusive thoughts or images that trigger feelings of jealousy and anxiety. For example, if someone has an intrusive thought about their partner's past sexual experiences, they may be asked to imagine the situation in detail, such as what their partner looked like, where it happened, and how they felt at the time.

I mean, this is what the brain is doing anyway. We're just choosing to find it before it finds you. The key is how are we going to respond to it. The responses tend to be the following statements. "Maybe it happened that way." "Sure" "okay" "yep" "maybe they enjoyed them more than me." Maybe, maybe, maybe. Even telling the thought that you don't care that it's around. You're glad they had those experiences.

It's not gaining clarity of the situations, instead it's being uncertain and accepting things as they are. Choosing to respond almost as if you don't care.

There are many types of exposures someone can do. Someone may expose themself to real-life situations that trigger anxiety and jealousy. For example, attend a social event where they know their partner's ex-partner will be present. This is done gradually, with the guidance of a therapist, to help the person learn to tolerate the anxiety and uncertainty associated with these situations without resorting to compulsive behaviors.

It could be looking at pictures of past partners. Practicing not putting judgement or problem solving. Letting thoughts come and go. Observe them.

I go through all of this step by step with my Master Your OCD online course. I'll link that down in the description.

What ends up happing over time is that anxiety reduces, the thoughts decrease, and you've taught your brain that you can move forward. We focus on facts, not guesses and accept the facts as they are. Spending our time right now in this moment. That's where life is.

And.... You know those compulsions right? We might want to write those down, so you know what you're no longer going to do.

Relationships are hard as it is, OCD grabs on to what people care about. Learning all about relationship OCD is important and can help you enhance your skills. Go watch this video here to help boost your success at learning your role in the relationship.

Do you struggle with overthinking about your partners past? Let me know down in the comments. Thanks so much for watching and I'll see you next time.