Demystifying Relationship OCD: Everything You Need To Know
You love your partner. At least you think you do. Then the doubt shows up, and you spend the evening checking your feelings instead of enjoying the night. This page explains relationship OCD in plain words, what it does to your partner, and what helps.
By Nathan Peterson, LCSW, OCD therapistWhat is relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD is a type of OCD where the obsessions are doubts about your relationship or your partner, like whether you love them or whether someone else would be better. The compulsions are what you do to try to be sure, like checking your feelings, comparing, or asking friends. For the full breakdown of doubts and compulsions, see the many faces of ROCD.
The common symptoms of relationship OCD
- Checking whether you feel "enough" love or attraction
- Needing the relationship to feel perfect to be okay
- Getting stuck on small flaws in your partner
- Anxiety about the relationship when nothing is wrong
- Asking friends, family, or your partner for reassurance
- Comparing your relationship to other couples or to past ones
If this sounds familiar, it could possibly be relationship OCD. A therapist who treats OCD can tell you for sure, and the free OCD test is a quick place to start.
How relationship OCD affects your partner
Partners often end up answering the same questions over and over, or feeling hurt by doubts they don't understand. Some start walking on eggshells, or reassuring before you even ask. That reassurance comes from love, and it still keeps the loop going.
It helps to name it together: "this is the OCD talking." Then your partner can support you without getting pulled into answering the doubt.
The treatment options for relationship OCD
The treatment with the most research behind it for OCD is exposure and response prevention, or ERP. Instead of challenging the doubts, you let them be there and skip the checking. That might mean going on a date without monitoring how you feel, or saying "maybe we're right for each other, maybe we're not" and staying in the moment.
Relaxation and mindfulness aren't bad, but using them to make the doubt go away can turn into another ritual. Medications called SSRIs are also often prescribed for OCD, and that's a conversation for your doctor.
I know, not checking feels risky. Like you might miss something important. You won't. The checking is what's getting in the way.
Pick one evening this week and don't check your feelings once. When the doubt shows up, notice it and go back to what you were doing together. (One evening. Easy, right?)
If you want help building the whole plan, that's what Master Your OCD is for.
Common questions about relationship OCD
How can my partner help with my relationship OCD?
The most helpful thing is kind support without reassurance. Instead of answering "do you think we're right?", they can say something like "that sounds like the OCD, I'm here." The family course walks partners through it.
Should I tell my partner about my relationship OCD?
It often helps. Explain that it's OCD, and ask your partner not to answer the "do you think we're right for each other?" questions. Their support matters, but reassurance keeps the loop going.
Will relationship OCD ruin my relationship?
It doesn't have to. You can have ROCD and a steady, loving relationship at the same time. The checking and reassurance are what wear things down, and those are what treatment works on.
Does journaling help relationship OCD?
Tracking when the doubts show up and what you do about them can help you spot the pattern. Journaling to "figure out" whether the relationship is right usually turns into another form of checking.
